I find myself laying next to him in bed once again. Eleven candles burn in the corner of his sweet little room while Reggie and the Full Effect plays in the background. We're both naked kissing each others sweaty flesh, a moment of reflection before we start again. I gaze into his beautiful eyes, they seem caring at the moment, but I doubt he'll touch me once we're done. Not that I can complain, it's what I've always wanted, the "relationship" of my dreams...But once you have something you've always dreamed of, you always think of ways it could be better. I had thought I had forgot about this all, but I find myself here again driven by some invisible force. He's like a coke addiction. You feel better once your off for a while, until you get greedy and dip your hand into the cookie jar again, and everything comes spiraling back to you all at once. It's a disgusting addiction, boys are, and how no matter what happens you always come crawling back for more. I don't know whether to feel happy that I'm not in an actual relationship or feel sorry for myself. Either way... It's a beautiful feeling, being held in someone's arms again, no matter how minuscule the amount of time it lasts.

The beauty of my life is crashing down upon me like a tropical waterfall, and I'm laying in the mist of it. Being beat into me, by all of my senses, is the reality of everything around me. The flowers surrounding me smell of his cologne, and the rocks below me are the shade of my best friends hair, "Hot Tamale Red." My eyes open and close with slow drawn out pauses between every move I make, like oatmeal with not enough water being chewed in the mouth of a five year old. I breath slowly trying to savor every second of this dream like state. The smell of the flowers engulf me in sweet fragrant hugs and kisses, and the color of the rocks below me seem to lift me up like a friendly shoulder to cry on. The color of the water all around me matches the color of my eyes, deep penetrating tropical exotic blue, and my clothes match the sky on a perfect non-cloudy day. My long flowing dress sways in the wind augmenting the waves that dance beside me, and far off in the distance I hear the beat of friendly drums, as if tribal enemies are finally making peace. A smile crosses my face as I realize that this place is my life: Beauty surrounds me everyday, sometimes in such huge amounts that I feel as though I'm being beaten into like a waterfall crashing full force upon me. My friends are my life, and act much like a support where ever I stand, sit, or lay. I feel as though I'm sharing my life with someone even though I'm confused on how he feels about me. And the beating of the drums represent me making peace with myself...

Nothing feels better in life than taking everything in around you all at once, and realizing that you have everything you've ever dreamed for. Stop and think about your surroundings and realize that things could be worse. I had always thought that I had never had a life defining moment in my life because nothings ever been so horrible that I felt that it was time to end it all. I've never had it off bad in life, I grow up in a well off family, we always had the necessary things to survive, and I've never known what it was like to be starving. I've never been beat or abused in anyway, my parent's have always loved me, and I've been getting an education since I was old enough to talk. But then I realized that everyday is a life defining moment, wether it's good or bad. Life is what you make it, and that's how you define yourself, by how well you are at taking in the things around you.

I'm grateful:

• To my parents for always being their for me.
• My brother for always being someone to look up to.
• My friends for tolerating my insanity and trying to match it with theirs.
• Everyone that's ever broke my heart, for teaching me a lesson about myself.
• Everyone who's heart I've ever broken, for not egging my house...
• All of the teacher's I've ever had, for trying to teach me about life and love.
• Everyone who's ever made fun of me, for making it obvious to me that that's not how I wanted to get by in life.
• Everyone I've ever danced with or by, for being in the moment with me.
• Everyone I've ever made clothes for, for believing in my talent.
• Every DJ I've ever watched live, good or bad, for believing in yourself.
• And that boy that I know, for teaching me what he believes in and for not completely disregarding what I believe.

Life is not an obligation but a privilege, and a privilege that doesn't last forever. One of these days, you'll die and never see the beauty and decay that this planet has to offer, so charish the time that you have left.

Wow I totally forgot that this website exsisted.  Weird.... 

Well anyways, I guess as all things that are discovered randomly on the internet deserve to be elaborated on, this does too.  So, here I go with my story of pure woe!  (Just kidding)

As all blogs should start out...I met this guy.  Naturally he's wonderful, and naturally I'm not going to tell any of you his name, just for safe keepings.  (He's my dirty little secret that I wish I could share with the world.)  We've been hanging out for a while now, and hit it off imeditately from the first time we actually hung out to now, we're still running strong.  We share each other's secrets with each other, from our favorite stores here in Carson, to what type of music we listen to, and even of our pasts.  One that can share their life with someone, past, present, and future, is a truly magical thing, and in speaking terms, that's what we have.  I feel complete when we're laying in each others arms....Now, of course, we're not dating, or else I wouldn't be writing this blog.  We are friends....but more.  It's hard to explain.  At first I thought he was going to show me the world and then dump me like a sack of sprouting potatoes when he was done with me.  But that's not what happened, and he continues to call me everyday.  It's odd to be with someone, and not really be with someone, but I think I like it.  The only thing I don't like:  He always flirts with just one of my friends, my best friend at that, pulling her hair and poking her stomach, while he ignores me, but the ignoring thing doesn't surprise me since he has never shown me affection in public.  Hmmm, I guess I just have to live with it.  Oh well...  Well it felt good to write this down, even though I know no one will read it.  SO, have a great day!

Zack asked about me, but I wasn't there.

Kris tried to help me, but my dad almost beat him up.

Davey told me he loved me, but he never called back.

How come it always feels like I'm alone in life?  All I want is to hang out with Zack more, get to know him a little better, cuddle with Kris, and see Davey when he's not surrounded by his fan group.  *sigh*  I'm lonely

Once again I found myself in a state of pure ecstasy.  Dancing right in front of the center speaker, the music pumping through my veins.  Feelings of love and acceptance swirled through the air.  My feet hurt from wearing my boots all day, I wasn't dressed since I had been kidnapped, and sweat was pouring down my face, but my drive was too strong and I kept on dancing.  The only thing that discouraged me was that some of my friends were allready rolling, and some had been for some time now.  The thought that something this beautiful could be corrupted with drugs astonishes me.  I know that ecstasy is an inhancer, and it doesn't fuck you up, it inhances you.  But, couldn't they wait until the party was already something beautiful for them?  Inhance the party, don't just take drugs so you can feel good.  That's retarded.  Drugs should never be taken at a moment when your not happy, that's when problems arise, and never just becuse your bored.  ....I have no idea were I was going with this blog.  WAIT:

Anyways:

I was dancing the whole time I was there, and although I was only there for 2 hours the entire time was beautiful.  A completely spiritually moving adventure.  The crowd (for the time I was there) was amazing.  And the fact that no one seemed to want to dance right in front until I went up there and made Kise dance with me was astonishing.  The thought that I brought everyone away from there safe spots as wall flowers made me extremely happy.  It's amazing how much more I loved being there for two hours than some of my friends seemd to enjoy the whole night.  When you are allowed to go to every party they start to lose there value.  You don't appreciate it as much.  I'm glad that I'm young, and when I get older I'm going to be glad to have a job that resticts me from going to every single rave that comes along.  When that happens you get bored.  If I wasn't allowed to go to school, going to school and learning would be so much more important to me.  Too bad we grow up in such a free society, were people lose appreciation for everything that they own or have. 

His smile sends tingles down my spine. 

His eyes brighten up the night time gloom of something going wrong.

His hugs are better than ecstasy.

His compliments make my life complete.

I barely know you, but I find myself in love.  I never see you, but I'm always loning for more.  You're leaving soon, and I'd give anything to see you just once more before you go.  I'd pay good money to see you on the float before you leave to see the world.  Just one more hug before I don't see you for a year.  Just one kiss on the cheek to leave me longing for more.  I long to hear your voice, see your face, listen to your sweet music.....Ugh, why am I always the one who's hoplessly infatuated?!?!?!